I have been formulating this post for the past few weeks and I just haven't found the time to do the actual post. So, while we are here having chemo I thought this would be the perfect opportunity.
If you will remember, the same day I discovered the lump on Audrey's back I also found out that we were expecting our third baby. That night when Ryan came home, we put the kids to bed and began discussing the possibilities of Audrey's lump and what it could mean for the remainder of her life. We began discussing the possibility of the lump being cancerous, if it was cancer - how far spread was it? Would she be able to handle any type of chemotherapy, given her small size? How do we tell our family? When do we tell our family? I heard myself say that I didn't want to have any more children because we don't know if perhaps we have caused this...then I realized I hadn't internalized the fact that I was indeed pregnant. That is when I told Ryan that we are expecting another. It was too much for both of us to take in at the time. We had been trying to have another baby for nearly 18 months, why now?
That night we had a very difficult time sleeping. As you now know, Audrey did have cancer, a very serious and rare type of cancer that could only be treated by removing the mass and then beginning intense chemotherapy and radiation. As we have had time to process both the cancer and pregnancy I have come to realize a few things. First of all, if we had been blessed with a baby any earlier dealing with Audrey's prognosis would have been emotionally draining and nearly impossible. But on the other side, if we hadn't been pregnant at the same time we found out about Audrey we would have made the conscious decision not to have any more children. I just know that this special spirit is suppose to be part of our family.
While we were in Florida I received a Priesthood blessing regarding my back and leg problem. I learned two very important things from that experience (1) this pain is only temporary and will not last throughout my life; (2) Heavenly Father is pleased with the decisions that Ryan and I have made regarding our family and our family is going to be exactly what it is suppose to be. I have thought a lot about the last portion of the blessing. It was our initial intent to have four children. Yet, we have made the decision that this is it. I have felt a bit guilty about the fact that we will be stopping but truly three children pulling at the heart-strings is all I can handle. Additionally, it was a further confirmation that this baby is suppose to be in our family.
I was 22 when Nathan was born and I will be 28 when Elysse is born; yet, I feel less prepared to have this baby than I did about being a mom for the first time! I have a million more worries now. Last night when I climbed in bed I began to think about all of the baby proofing things that we will need to do again - locking cabinets, worrying about stairs, the baby learning how to crawl out the dog door (Audrey actually taught Nathan that trick), etc. How is it that at 28 I feel like I am getting too old for this?
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2 comments:
It's amazing how Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need when we need it. I think if He were to show us His plan for us individually we would be like "what! there's no way I can do that." I guess that's just why we need to have faith that He knows what's best for us. It's neat how sometimes we get a glimpse of His plan for us. I think it gives us the strength to keep going because we know that we are doing it for an eternal purpose and we'll be blessed for it in the end.
Tonya, I really appreciate your posts. Even though they're about the sometimes mundane things that we experiece (or the unexpected), I find so much hope and comfort in your words. :) Sometimes I feel the same way I felt when we used to stay up late and talk about life when I read your blog. Thanks. :)
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