Thursday, January 14, 2010

Disappointments

For everyone that keeps commenting how brave and wonderful I am, this post is mostly for you; to prove that I am definitely human and not even close to super woman.

I received a call this morning telling me that Audrey would have a 9:15 appointment for proton therapy. Great, that is even earlier than yesterday. I get a call at 9:05 with an apology that (unbeknownst to our nurse) someone else - an adult no less - was "slipped" into Audrey's 9:15 and that we should not show up until 10:00 a.m. We were already en route. I was curt but not rude to the nurse delivering the information via cell phone. Then my human side, and definitely my pregnant emotional self came though. I immediately called Ryan, burst into tears and started my rampage, "why the hell would they put an adult in Audrey's spot. She is a 22 pound two and a half year old and doesn't even show up on the children's weight scale anymore. How could they force her to go without food and put a grown adult ahead of her?" This was all accompanied by lots of tears and a very aggravated, loud voice.

After arriving to therapy I found out that there are several other children starting treatment next week. I sat there thinking, oh I am so glad we started this week because the newest children get the later time slots. As I was thinking this the newest woman, who happened to be sitting next to me, was told her appointment time for tomorrow is an hour before Audrey's. I tried my best to hide my emotions - but if you know me, my face immediately tells it all. I stood up, went to the bathroom and cried for five minutes. I was ready to call it all off and go home. I tried to settle myself down - this is good for Audrey, this therapy is so much safer than traditional radiation, an hour is not going to make her starve, etc. As I said, I wasn't able able to hide my emotions very well. Before I left I was informed that next week with the new children coming they had to rearrange the entire schedule and Audrey will, from then on, be the first appointment of the day. I was so excited I could hardly stand it. We should be completely done by no later than 9 a.m. each morning and she will be able to eat three meals a day again! - Then came the guilt...are they doing this so they don't have to put up with a cranky, emotional pregnant lady? What about the other children that have been in the program longer? I felt bad - guilty, but grateful. All I did was push for something I feel strongly about, I fought for Audrey...but the other children are going to be hungry too...but Audrey's weight is a serious issue and not all of the other children have chemo...

When Audrey and I were walking out of the office the nurse pulled a calendar with Rayna's name (the 9 month old girl I told you about in the last post) from the wall. I asked if they were going to stop the proton treatment for her indefinitely or if they were suspending it for the time being. I was informed that Rayna has been given two months to live. Again, I burst into tears. Here I am worried about Audrey waiting a few hours to eat and this little girl isn't even going to experience what it would be like to walk in this life. My heart goes out to this family. I hurt for them. I want to share with them the knowledge that I have about our Heavenly Father that loves us, and His Son, Jesus Christ, who came to this earth and experienced all that we will suffer here in this mortal existence so that we might all have eternal life. And the greatest blessing of all, our ability to live together as families after we pass through this mortal life. Yet, I know that at this point in time my knowledge won't bring them comfort because (though I know it to be true), if it were my little girl, I wouldn't care about that right now...

8 comments:

Ruth Thompson said...

Tonya, I love you! I've been thinking alot about you lately and I just wanted to send you a quick note to tell you that I'm sending you a nice long email this weekend. I thought that if I were away from my family with my sick child I would want a nice long email to read so that I knew people cared about me. I'll get working on that. :)

Love,
Ruth

The Little Lanes said...

Tonya we love you, and I'm sorry you still rock nice try though. Becky says your her hero just using the word hell it's nice to know your human she says.
Again we love you
Amaron

Maureen said...

That rant was probably the best thing for you & your emotions. Plan on one each week to get your adrenaline rush. Human is as human does.....or whatever. None of us are going to get thru this without yelling and crying some.
I might yell cuz of that stupid word thing below we have to match up. Dumb Dumb Dumb

Rachel said...

Thank you so much for sharing that little testimony. There was true emotion in it that made it so powerful. Lots of hugs!

Carrie said...

It is good to let it out and you shouldn't feel guilty for worrying about and putting your child first. You are human and a mother! Good for you for letting it out and recovering! If if were me I would still be crying!!! You are awesome. You can do this. Audrey is just like her mommy. We love you guys!

Addie M. said...

If every mother had to worry about all the other children in the world, then we would spontaneously combust upon giving birth! You are not in the wrong for fighting for Audrey. Yes, it's sad that this other child is suffering and it's wonderful that you care so much about someone else's child, but especially in a situation like this, the you shouldn't have to worry about other people's welfare. Even more when you are pregnant, you will be such an emotional wreck, so take time every day or every week to cry for yourself without Audrey around. I think crying and letting our your emotions every now and then is the only way to release and continue on! You can do this! Audrey can do this!

Melissa said...

You are Audrey's advocate. Nobody will fight for her like you will, and so I think that there is no reason you should feel bad at all. I think that is the hardest part about being mother...knowing when to just sit back and stay calm or when it is time to put on the boxing gloves. I think that with all that she is going through, you are going to have to be the protective mamma bear and do everything that you can do to make sure that she is receiving the very best treatment possible. I couldn't imagine going through the stress that you are going through on top of being pregnant, but the Lord obviously knew that you could handle it. Sometimes I think I speak way more boldly when I'm pregnant, and maybe that is part of the reason why you are pregnant during such a difficult time...so that you will use your emotions and boldness to stand up and fight for your sweet little girl. She is so blessed to have a mother like you. The Lord will give you the strength and endurance that you need.

HatchFamily said...

AMEN! Everybody's comments are so great. I just have to agree with all of them because I couldn't say it as good as them. Hang in there. Love ya!